A wonderful day

Today I had a great time with my family. We just stayed home and spent time together except for a quick trip to the local park with a duck pond. Callie was in such a good mood and we took her outside to let her explore for the first time. Since she is taking steps it was great because I just gave in and let her go. She loved the dirt, leaves, and sticks. My daughter all the way! She had such a blast. It stinks though that it is starting to get cold right when she will be up and mobile. These were some of my fav pics from today.

Wondeful

That's about all I can say.


Two years ago tonight I sat in my brother's driveway still recovering from major surgery. I remember sitting there watching all of the kids come up and down trick or treating. I was thinking I will never have a little one of my own to do this with.



And now look.....

I am so blessed!

Once a student, now a teacher

Daddy taught me many of the things I know. How to drive, how to use a lawnmower, how to use a gun, how to pay bills, and so many other things.

Now that Daddy is gone it seems that the roles are reversed. I am teaching Mom so many things. Still cant get her on the riding lawnmower though:) I have helped her learn about paying bills, how to use automated phone systems (which have brought her to tears bc they are such a pain in the butt), in the process of teaching her to pump gas using the "new technological gas pumps." And the list goes on and on.

You never think about the things that someone else must learn to do until the person they depended on is gone. I am just glad that God gives me the ability to be there for her and the patience to be her teacher.

Sometimes I just wish life were "normal" again. But hey what is normal anymore?

Its like Mom says though sometimes you just need someone to listen and a hug to say its okay.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel:

totally stressed

like there in no other human going through what i go through

like throwing in the towel (sometimes literally)

then sometimes I feel:

total happiness

so much love

Sometimes I think I need just an hour to do some things I want to do and not the things I have to do!

Thank you Lord

I just want to post about how thankful I am that God has blessed me so much in my life. I have not had a chance to read my normal blogs here lately since we have been so busy. Tonight though I thought I would try to play catch-up.

I logged onto a blog I read only to learn some sad news. The blog is about a little boy named Noah. He passed away at 364 days old. I can not begin to imagine what his parents and family are going through.

It really opens your eyes to how lucky you are when you see what pain someone else is having to deal with.

Thank you God for my life and most importantly for the ability for me to be a Mommy. For that is the only thing I have ever wanted to be.

If tomorrow never comes

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door,I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or twoto stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming, you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day,well, I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything right.

There will always be another day to say our "I love you's",And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's?"

But just in case I might be wrong and today is all I get,I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget,Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone,what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, whisper in their ear,Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear,Take time to say "I'm sorry," "please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

Author Unknown

Totally empty

That is the way I feel right now. Callie is at Mom's for the first time tonight without me. We have not been apart at night since she arrived 8 1/2 months ago. I knew it would be hard, but I didnt know how much it would open my eyes.

I guess with what happened in our family this week with Joey losing his baby really made me stop and thank God for giving Josh and I a healthy baby girl.

Our house is way too quiet and calm tonight for me. I would rather see toys all over the place, hear little goos, coos, and giggles. Go into her room and her lamp be on awaiting her to go to "night night". Tonight with our house seeming so EMPTY it has made me so much more thankful for the fact that I have a precious daughter that I can hold, rock, play with, and love on at any single minute. I could not imagine my life without my Cal Nae. I hope that I will always make the right choices, and be the best Mommy to her that I can be. I hope that in her future she and I will be as close and Mom and I are.

If I never succeed at anything else in life I hope that I succeed in Callie's eyes as being a good Mother.

So very true...

Excuse This House

Author: Unknown

Some houses try to hide the fact
That children shelter there,
Ours boasts it quite openly,
The signs are everywhere.
For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges are on the doors.
I should apologize, I guess,
For toys strew on the floor.
But I sat down with my child
And we played and laughed and read.
And if the doorbell doesn’t shine,
Her eyes will shine instead.
For when at times I’m forced to choose
The one job or the other,
I’d like to cook and clean and scrub,
But first I’ll be a mother.

Such a treat

So I have made a deal with myself to try to take a little more time for myself at least once a week. Tonight was my treat night. I took a 30 minute bath and read part of a great Mary Higgins Clark book (I love to read in the tub I would do it every night if I could), soaked in my rose petal bath things, re-polished my toenails, did a Cucumber peel off mask, followed by a great new face moisturizer and treated myself to lotion from head to toe. This was so super nice compared to my normal 3 minute in and out shower followed by a little deodorant and if I am lucky some body spray. I felt so energized right after my treat, but now am so relaxed and sleepy I can hardly hold my eyes open.

Off to bed for hopefully a good nights sleep......

How amazing it is

I know I always say that being a Mommy is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And well it is. Times like today I really have so many emotions they are hard to keep in. Last night Callie didnt feel too well or sleep well so she ended up in my bed. She is in the process of cutting 6 teeth at once and has been fine with it until yesterday. She went to the bathroom 8 times which is not normal at all for her. So we are playing on the floor on a blanket as much as possible in the birthday suit to get some air to her little booty. This is her first rash since she has been born.

All of that said to lead to this....this morning when I woke up she was laying there playing with my face and as soon as my eyes popped open there it was... the biggest, cutest, sweetest little smile I have ever seen. Still my favorite time is in the morning when I get that first smile of the day. It just melts my heart. I am so blessed that God allows such sweet little miracles to start a new day.

It's smiles like this one....

Went to Daddy's grave

Tuesday Mom and I went and stayed the night in Sheridan. Since we were at my house for Father's Day I wanted to take Daddy some flowers I had bought for Father's Day. So we went to clean up his grave and check on things. Well once we got there I got depressed at how empty it looked so we went shopping and I made two baskets and fixed a the vase Mom had taken him roses in for V-Day and took them back to his grave. Its amazing how quickly flowers fade in the sun. There was only one actual flower arrangement left on Daddy's grave because Mom and I had moved some one of Daddy's to Mary's grave the last time we were down there.

It helped a little. We talked about planting a Rose bush or two next year to add to it because Daddy loved Roses so much.

1st Happy and Sad Fathers Day

My 1st Easter


Last pic of Daddy & I together (7 months pregnant with Callie)

Happy because its Josh's first with Callie and sad because its my first without my Daddy.

I went to Wal-Mart to do my usual Father's Day card shopping and I could not bring myself to not buy my Daddy a card. The first one that caught my attention really fit once I read it. This is what it says:

When does a girl need her Dad?

She needs him when she's little...
to read her the bedtime story (and do the voices)....

to put her jammies on backward by accident (or maybe just to make her laugh)...

She needs her dad when she's growing...

to teach her to wait for a good pitch (and to be her biggest fan, hit or miss)...

A girl needs her dad when she's finally ready to set out on her own...

to change the oil and check the tires...

to hug her and tell her he knows she'll go far...

A girl needs her dad when she's not really a girl anymore...

to smile at her as they wait to walk down the aisle...

to look up to, no matter how grown-up she gets...

to read her kids a story (and do the voices)...

When does a girl need her Dad?

ALWAYS!!

I really still feeling like I need my Daddy.

A lot of these things really touch my heart. I miss my Daddy so much. I love you Daddy, Happy Father's Day!!

A blog for myself

I needed to get these words down while they were with me.

I dont understand why some days are harder than others. Last night was the first time I have dreamed about Daddy since he passed away. It was so "real" when I woke up and knew it wasnt real I was so overwhelmed by sadness I couldnt stand it. Then this morning I found out that Mom had a dream about him too. In hers he was sick though and we were fighting the Cancer. In my dream though Daddy was fine. We were at some kind of reunion (I may have dreamed this bc Mom and I are discussing that fact or going to Dads family reunion to show Callie off for the first time and Daddy wont be with us). In my dream we were sitting at a table eating. I dont know why but I always liked the way Daddy looked when he ate. Makes no sense to me bc it was nothing extraordinary at all. Maybe its bc when I was growing up he was so busy with work but at suppertime we always sat at the table as a family and ate.

Today all I have been able to do is think about him. Mom has too bc I have seen her crying a couple of times today. It always seems to hit me hardest when Callie does something or we talk about the future with her. Mom and I were in the floor playing with her today and she did something and for some reason Mom said Ho Ho Ho. Then that led to Christmas which in turn led to Daddy and his bday being on Christmas.

I miss my Daddy so much but there is just something about being Callie's Mom and knowing that she will never have her own memories of her Paw Paw. I dont know why it gets me so much to think of all of the things she will never get to do with him. Dad was always such a kid person and I swear I never knew a kid that didnt automatically like him. He was like a magnet and would draw them to him.

I remember the day Callie was born and we found out I would have to have a C-Section Daddy cried right along with Me, Josh, and Mom. They meant so much to me. He also was the one that was supposed to go and let Bitzie out that day (for some reason though I dont know if he did or not, or if someone else did Mom cant remember either) But when we were talking about him leaving to go and let Boo out he knew I was supposed to be going for prep and he told me he wanted to be sure and be back from my house in time to kiss me bye. I guess it was just a Daddy thing that he wanted to do bc his little girl was going to have surgery. Anyways I will never forget the look he had when he said this.

I know we are not supposed to ask God why bc he does all things for a reason but I am finding it so hard lately not to question him. I hope that the more time that passes I will find more comfort but I still feel as though we played a part in Daddy's death. I know the cancer would have taken him but I do not think anyone should ever have to face the decisions we did with turning off the Ventilator on Daddy.

I just wish things could have been different and he would have just gone to sleep on his own.....

My Sunday Project

Above: Back bed before and after


Above: Front bed before and after

Well Josh and I worked hard on our beds today at home. We did the front one together. This included digging up the only remaining shrubs that survived from my great hubby trying to transplant them last year:) and then planting our new things. We planted Hostas (thanks Bubba), Delphinium, Holly Hocks, Balloon Flowers and Lillies. For autumn color we added some Mums and Nandina shrubs to the bed in the front. We are pleased with how it looks and cant wait to see everything in full bloom next year!!

I did the back bed along our porch myself. I dug up all of the Azaleas which was no easy task. The root systems on them were enormous. They had taken over the back bed. It was just too yuck for Callie to be toddling around out there next summer. So I wiped it our except for my Gardenia I planted the year we moved in. I added some shrubs from the front of the house, some Salvia, a new Drawf Gardenia, and some various annuals. I dont do many annuals because I would rather have something come back instead of re-buying. I like the way it turned out though and its going to be much easier to maintain. We are going to add a perimeter and some mulch to it later.

Still a lot to do around the trees in the front yard and get some of my Iris' and ground cover in the back still but so far so good!!

I also was blamed today by our neighbors for being their inspiration!! They came home today with tons of new flowers to work on their yard:)

What makes life so great

Motherhood is the absolute best thing in my world. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by emotions when I start to think about how truly blessed I am to be Callie's Mommy. I honestly feel complete now that I have her.

Congrats Eden B!!!

Eden graduated from the 5th grade today!! Its so hard to believe. It seems like she should still be in diapers.

We are all very proud of her. I didnt get too good of pics because I was holding Callie and she was asleep. Cal did great through the whole thing and even when we were leaving people were stopping us to tell us how good she was:)

God help us to think before we act

I say this because I found out this morning that one of my friends found out that her friends little 3 year old daughter drowned yesterday. This happened when her mother left her outside playing while she went in to use the restroom.

To anyone who reads this please say a prayer for this family. I can not imagine going through the loss of a child....

My 1st Mother's Day

My first Mother's Day was great. Callie got me a Journey Diamond Necklace that I have been wanting for a long time. It has so much meaning to me. It was wonderful to finally be a Mommy on Mother's Day.

I really enjoyed the time I got to spend with my family. I just wish Daddy were here to share it with us.

emotions emotions emotions

So I have spent the last hour and a half crying my eyes out over the fact of Callie being 6 months old. I know it may sound silly but I am having such a hard time dealing with it. I don't know if its because I still feel like the beginning of her life was such a whirlwind with losing Dad or what.

I do however feel so blessed to have her turn 6 months old instead of the alternative. I truly thank God every chance I get for giving me a healthy and happy baby.

Looking back

I can not believe how quickly time passes now that I am a Mommy. It is so hard to believe that Callie will be 6 months old tomorrow! These are a few of my favorite memories. I love you Callie Lanae!!!!

Crazy day

I dont know about everyone else but I am so tired of storms and tornadoes. We had cartoons on because of the kiddos so I took off to town to go to the bank and to get lunch. Well I knew something was up when I pulled up and the bank was closed and everyone that worked there was standing at the door looking out. So I called the banks phone # to ask if there was a problem. Mind you yes it was storming its butt off but I didn't think anything about it. The girl proceeded to tell me that there were 2 tornadoes headed toward Sheridan.

I then went next door to get the kids lunch at McDonald's and while the girl was taking my money her manager plus about 5 others all ran to the drive in window and screamed for me to look up. The way I was sitting in the truck I couldn't see anything though. It turned out to be something be thrown around in the air like a tractor or something of that nature. It then crashed into the ground in the woods behind us and blew up. Talk about crazy!!! Needless to say I was one of the only goobers out and about and we were driving about 50 MPH through town to get home.

It was scary to say the least. When I walked in the door at home I had already called Mom and she had turned on the TV and had all the kids with her. They were screaming and scared to death:(

Then we got a call from one of the Moms we sit for and they have 2.5 trees on there house. They are so large they cant get into the house yet to see how much damage there is yet though.

At the end of our road South of town there is a mobile home right in the middle of the road plus extensive damage to several business and homes (so we were told by my Uncle who had his weather radio and scanner on)

So again we were very lucky indeed. I hate that mother nature has to put people through things like this. Its horrible to think of the people that have lost loved ones and or their homes and belongings.

Results are in

My exam with Dr. Wyatt was perfect!! It took two weeks to get the results but hey thats ok with me. This is wonderful news since the last time I had to be screened for Ovarian Cancer 5 times because the tests kept coming back inconclusive. So this is an answered prayer and a step in the right direction.

God is so good!!

The little things in life

That is what I enjoy the most. This weekend we had a very relaxed time and just did what we wanted to. Of course this included some things we had to do that were not as enjoyable such as dishes, cleaning, laundry etc...but for the most part we did what we felt like doing.

I was sitting out on our screened in porch Saturday with Callie and Eden and just thinking how great it was to see the girls together. I guess I have always kinda seen Eden as my own daughter. Not that I do not love all of my nieces and Weston the same, Eden has just been with me a lot more than the others. I used to think it was so neat to take her places just the two of us because people always talked to her and called me her mom ( I loved it). I was sitting there and thinking how sweet it would be to have two girls. I think sisters just have a bond like no other. Yes there is a major age gap between E and Callie but they are so cute together.

I hope if we do have another baby whether it be a boy or a girl Callie will be an awesome big sister!!

Why is it

When you get medication from a doctor it has to have so many side effects? Now that I am back on my hormones/ anti-depressants I have felt horrible for the last four days. I remember last time I was on it I felt very weird and bad for about a month and then got used to it. This time though with a small baby its really taking a lot out of me. The feelings that I am having are all side effects of the meds because I read my booklet on it today. They include extreme shaking and tremors, sweating so much more than even when pregnant, throwing up and horrible nausea, headache, fatigue and dizziness. It really stinks that there are not "wonder meds" that dont have so many side effects.

I dont know if it has something to do with my body changing after having Callie, but it really seems to be way worse this time around as far as these side effects go. If a few more weeks go by and I am still having this many effects and at this extent I think I am going to call my doc and see if we can try something else. I guess our body's really do change or something after having a child.

Really stinks right now thats for sure...

My Appt/ So much to think about

Well yesterday was my appt with Dr. Wyatt. He was super great and answered the list of questions Josh and I had.

To start things off I now have a better idea of why I have not felt so well the past couple of weeks and keep getting dizzy every time I stand up. My blood pressure was really high for me, even higher than when I was prego. It was 159/90. Dr. Wyatt was not pleased with that at all so now I have to check it 2-3 times a day for the next 2 weeks. If it stays high I have to go to my primary care physican.

Basically Dr. Wyatt told me that there is no reason for Josh and I to try to have another baby when we are ready. He did however just come out and tell us the odds and chances of it happening. He said that we really have three basic options to look at. #1 get pregnant and have a healthy baby. #2 not get pregnant. #3 have a tubal or miscarriage.

This is where the scary part comes in. He said that you can look at "normal women with normal parts" and say 1 in 10 may have a tubal pregnancy. However he said with my "parts" not being normal since my one tube I have left is upside down and wraps around my Uterus that my chances of a tubal pregnancy will double. In some cases they can go in and "remove the baby" and put it in the Uterus and a successful pregnancy will then result. In my case though that is not an option. He said if I were to get pregnant and have a tubal baby I would lose my tube and have to have a hysterectomy. That is where it really gets us thinking.

I talked to several friends and family members yesterday to tell them what we found out. They all had one thing to say. Which was that I was handleing that news better than they imagined I was. I thought so myself to be honest. I figured I would cry and have so many emotions I couldnt handle them all.

I look at it in one way and this is why I am not losing it right now. Callie was a true miracle. Dr. Wyatt even stressed this yesterday. Again he said that God is the reason Cal is here that there is no way my body can handle that without God. So that is my inspiration and hope for a healthy baby #2. I am sure some people that have a 5 month old would not even be thinking of another baby. However in our case our parenthood options are not like most. We do know we have a limited amount of time to have a baby #2 (God willing we get the chance)

I know that whatever Gods will is will happen in our lives. It is hard and I so wish I were one of those "normal" people that never even had to think about things like this. I would love to be able to say ok lets have a baby and it happen. Thats not what God wanted for Josh and I though and I have to accept that. Everything happens for a reason. Although this is very emotional and frustrating for me I know that we will get through it.

We are wanting to try and get pregnant right around Callie turning one so we will see. If we do not get the chance to be parents of two then we will just have even more the opportunity to spoil Cal rotten!!! That is such a wonderful thing about being parents:)

Also I am back on anti-depressants and hormones. Dr. Wyatt said that I should not be embarrased by that at all. He said that having a baby is hard enough and then losing a parent with a new baby has got to make things worse. I will be on the hormones for at least another year and then we will see how my one ovary is doing. He said that a lot of times when a woman only has one ovary it just can not do the work for two. The only other thing that may be bad down the near road is the fact of my one ovary not working at all either. He is optomistic but looking at my health and body now he does not think it will keep working properly for too much longer.

So with all of that said. I just want to thank God every day for the life I do have. Yes things are going on right now that I really wish I did not have to go through, but I also know it could be much worse. I never thought I would have a baby of my own to hold and look into those little innocent eyes and know she needed me. Now that God has blessed us with Callie I know that anything is possible!!! I will just try to stay positive and enjoy every precious minute I have with her.

Gets you thinking

I think this says it all. I found this on another blog and it really was something I needed at the time. I think we all need to live by this....

There's an old saying that says, "You can't take it with you." Although the world will offer you all kinds of things that seem shiny and exciting, they will all fade. Money, cars, ipods, careers.....these things will bring you joy and satisfaction for a while, but in the end, where will you have found your joy? As you walk through this week, look for the things in your life that will stand the test of time. Look for the love, the compassion, the opportunities for giving. Try to discover the things that bring you joy that don't come with a price tag, and then get as much joy as you can while you're here on this earth!

Our life with Daddy

These are a few pictures from the slideshow that we used at Daddy's service.

Missing my Daddy

I can not believe it has almost been 3 months already since Daddy left us. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him and miss him.

I catch myself saying to myself "I cant believe he is gone". I knew that having an older Daddy that it would happen at one time or another, but it still does not seem real to me sometimes. I would give anything to hear him talk or feel his hug.

Being back at home brings up so many memories and emotions. Daddy's robe is still hanging on his closest door like always, his shoes are still sitting by the wood stove. There are little things of him all over the house. Even his truck is how he left it. His glasses and Jeff Foxworthy tapes still in the center console. Every time I drive his truck I think about him asking me where it was one day when we were in his hospital room at St. Vincents and I told him it was in the parking deck. He asked who had been driving it and I told him I had. He gave me that "McGhee" look and mouthed "Oh Gosh". I told him I hadn't wrecked it yet and I emphasized the YET part and he just shook his head and laughed. It was so Daddy the way he laughed about it.

I miss my Daddy so much....

Life changes

Well I figured I would try to get in writing some of the feelings I have about my up-coming appointment with Dr. Wyatt.

As many of you know after I had my C Section with Callie, Dr. Wyatt told me that if it weren't for God Callie would not be here. My mind was a whirlwind that day, but every time I play that through my head I have so many feelings about those few words.

My appointment is April 16th at 3:30 and I am very nervous about it. The reason I am nervous is that Dr. Wyatt said that this would be when we discussed "my health and future". What this means is that he is going to tell Josh and I if he thinks that we should try for another baby or not and what my chances are of a hysterectomy. He is also going to check for cysts to see if I have any right now. I have been having a lot of pain lately and am almost positive that something is going on. We are also going to discuss a new medicine for Poly Cystic Ovary Disease and see if it would help me or not. Just during my pregnancy I ended up having 5 cysts.

I have a whole list of questions that I have been working on so that I don't forget all of them as I normally do when he walks in the room.

I know that whatever Gods will is will be done, but its hard not knowing what we are facing. I told Josh it would be different if I/we did not want another baby and we made the decision to just have Callie. That is not the case though. If we could afford it I would love to have 3-4 kids at least. Josh says no way:) 2 is enough for him. Of course he had said that Callie would be the only one at first but now doesn't want her to grow up alone.

We are talking a lot about things right now and he is trying to get me psyched up for what Dr. Wyatt has to say.

There are so many things to think about now that we have Cal. I told Josh that if Dr. Wyatt said that it would be harmful to me to try to have another baby that I wouldn't care I would try anyway, but then I have to stop and think about Callie. Its not just me anymore I have to stay healthy for her. She is priority right now.

The fact of motherhood has totally changed my outlook on life. Not just for myself, but for everything that surrounds us in our lives.

As of right now I am just going to try and not think a lot about my appt because I have been worrying about it for weeks and its taking a toll on me physically and emotionally.

I do however hope that there is something Dr. Wyatt can do about how badly I hurt everyday. Now that I live with Mom she sees that things are different that they used to be. I feel for anyone that has to deal with cysts!!

Why is it so emotional to be a Mommy???

I never would have imagined how emotional I would still be even after having Callie. I could not sleep well last night because I kept thinking that just 5 short months ago I was sitting up anticipating the next morning and going to have my daughter. I remember how many emotions I felt. It is so amazing how emotional I feel on the 7th of each month when Callie gets another month older. Of course I would not want the alternative to happen and her not grow older. Its just unbelievable that she is already 5 months old.

Back when I was pregnant I saw an add in a baby magazine that was for a 1/2 birthday. At that point I knew I wanted to do it for Cal. What you do is make a little birthday cake and decorate it and put 1/2 on the top for their 6 month birthday. Of course Cal will not get to enjoy the cake, but she will get a special prize that day and it will make for a great photo opportunity. I remember telling Josh and Mom about it and how cute they thought the idea was. I thought at that time I had so long to go until it would be time for her little party. Now I can not imagine that its only a month away.

I think that motherhood is the most rewarding job I have ever had. It is so wonderful to look at my daughter and know that if it were not for me she would not be here.

Speaking of the word daughter. It still sometimes hits me that OMG I have a daughter!!! Last Thursday I had to reschedule my doctors appt due to some issues(more about that later). When the lady gave me the date for a reschedule I remembered that Callie has to go to the Nutritionist that day. So I told the lady at my clinic I could not do it that day because my daughter had her own appt that day. I dont know what about saying "my daughter" hit me like that, but it sure did!!! Some times I wonder how long will it take to sink in that I am a Mommy.

Check out my Slide Show!