A blog for myself

I needed to get these words down while they were with me.

I dont understand why some days are harder than others. Last night was the first time I have dreamed about Daddy since he passed away. It was so "real" when I woke up and knew it wasnt real I was so overwhelmed by sadness I couldnt stand it. Then this morning I found out that Mom had a dream about him too. In hers he was sick though and we were fighting the Cancer. In my dream though Daddy was fine. We were at some kind of reunion (I may have dreamed this bc Mom and I are discussing that fact or going to Dads family reunion to show Callie off for the first time and Daddy wont be with us). In my dream we were sitting at a table eating. I dont know why but I always liked the way Daddy looked when he ate. Makes no sense to me bc it was nothing extraordinary at all. Maybe its bc when I was growing up he was so busy with work but at suppertime we always sat at the table as a family and ate.

Today all I have been able to do is think about him. Mom has too bc I have seen her crying a couple of times today. It always seems to hit me hardest when Callie does something or we talk about the future with her. Mom and I were in the floor playing with her today and she did something and for some reason Mom said Ho Ho Ho. Then that led to Christmas which in turn led to Daddy and his bday being on Christmas.

I miss my Daddy so much but there is just something about being Callie's Mom and knowing that she will never have her own memories of her Paw Paw. I dont know why it gets me so much to think of all of the things she will never get to do with him. Dad was always such a kid person and I swear I never knew a kid that didnt automatically like him. He was like a magnet and would draw them to him.

I remember the day Callie was born and we found out I would have to have a C-Section Daddy cried right along with Me, Josh, and Mom. They meant so much to me. He also was the one that was supposed to go and let Bitzie out that day (for some reason though I dont know if he did or not, or if someone else did Mom cant remember either) But when we were talking about him leaving to go and let Boo out he knew I was supposed to be going for prep and he told me he wanted to be sure and be back from my house in time to kiss me bye. I guess it was just a Daddy thing that he wanted to do bc his little girl was going to have surgery. Anyways I will never forget the look he had when he said this.

I know we are not supposed to ask God why bc he does all things for a reason but I am finding it so hard lately not to question him. I hope that the more time that passes I will find more comfort but I still feel as though we played a part in Daddy's death. I know the cancer would have taken him but I do not think anyone should ever have to face the decisions we did with turning off the Ventilator on Daddy.

I just wish things could have been different and he would have just gone to sleep on his own.....